How to Ask For and Do What You Need, for You

Rebecca Fleetwood Hession: Hello, this is Rebecca Fleetwood Hession, host of the Badass Women's Council podcast. And I am super glad that you are here. So, before I launch into our episode today, which is all about receiving, which is kind of the flip side, the other side, of giving, I want to talk about an event that's coming up that I want to make sure you do not miss. It's on March 8, which is International Women's Day. And it is our Third Annual Stand Tall in Your Story event, and you can attend either live in Indianapolis at the Vogue Theatre or virtual. You can buy an individual virtual ticket or you can buy a group ticket for your group or organization. So, make sure you go check it out. You can go to my website, wethrive. live, and you can watch the stories from previous years, you can buy your tickets, it's all right there. So, just wanted to make sure that you have that info and take a look. Don't want you to miss it. It's going to be another good one. Okay, y'all. Yesterday was Sunday. Recording this on a Monday. And I actually took an entire day to rest and reflect. And if you haven't done it in a while, I highly recommend. But one of the things that came to me during that time of rest and reflection was that as high achievers, me specifically, I don't do a great job at receiving. I'm great at giving. I want to double down on the giving. But not necessarily doing a great job at asking for what I need and receiving. So, I want to give you a little context for this conversation. I have a book coming out called Write Your Own Story: The Three Keys to Rise and Thrive as a Badass Career Woman. And a part of this book is about the difference between striving and thriving. And I want to give you some hand signals to represent striving and thriving. So, if you take your hands and make a fist, as tight as you can, and just keep holding it there until your knuckles turn white, this is the stance of striving. In fact, did you know that the word strive means battle and conflict? And often times we spend our lives trying to control everything around us into this just white knuckled fist of control. And that's not very sustainable. It doesn't feel good. And when we do that we block from being able to receive things. So, if you take both of your hands and you open them up, palms up, reach them out like you're going to give somebody a high five or a hug, just open. This is the stance of thriving. To be able to give and receive. Because when we're so busy controlling everything we don't open up to receive some things or let things just happen. And what I realized yesterday as I was pondering some things that I was frustrated with in my life, is that my go to move is to double down on giving when I'm feeling frustrated instead of just releasing and letting go. Because sometimes we have to let go of people or projects or things in our life in order to really receive. I like to use the metaphor of a puzzle when I talk about thriving and connections. And we think about a puzzle, each piece is completely unique on purpose for a purpose. And when we take the time to put a puzzle together we take all those jaggedy ass edges and we look for the beautiful side. And then we look at how those pieces fit together. And there are three characteristics of a puzzle once it's built. One, it's far more beautiful. Two, it's far stronger. And three, every piece matters. When I was thinking about how I was feeling about some relationships and some things in my life and thinking about how often I have tried to change and distort my piece of the puzzle in order to accommodate others. You've done puzzles, right? So, you know when you're trying to force a puzzle piece that doesn't fit, one, it's ridiculous, it never works. And, two, sometimes we end up damaging the piece of the puzzle that we're trying to force into the space that it's not meant for. And I found that's what I had been doing. I was so doubled down on the giving and the helping and the providing, I was starting to change who I was and distort my own sense of value, relevance, and worth in order to fit. In order to make this other person feel more comfortable, to make a project work that wasn't supposed to be my project, to take on a client that wasn't supposed to be for me. And I just thought, gosh, isn't that what we do as high achievers? We're constantly doubling down on the giving and we're always looking... Not always. I would say often we see people and relationships and projects and things through the potential more so than the reality of what the other people are willing or interested in giving. And so sometimes in order to receive what we need and want, we got to put some shit down. We got to let go of some things. And so it got me thinking yesterday, and I started then thinking about other people in relationships and examples of where I'd seen other people do this. And then also what happens in a beautiful way when we decide to stop doing this. It's only then that we can really receive what's meant for us. But I know what's true in all of this is none of that works well if we don't pay the price to really know ourselves, know our gifts and talents and not just who we are but the value, relevance, and worth that we have in relationships, in our jobs, and to really stand tall in that. That's the whole reason that the event that's coming up on March 8 is called Stand Tall in Your Stories. The essence of saying when I stand tall in my story, I give others permission to do the same. But it doesn't mean that we're for everybody or that we're supposed to change who we are to make others more comfortable or to fit in. Brene Brown's been talking about this to us for years. That belonging is something very, very different, but in this high achiever space that we live in, which is beautiful, we want to accomplish and we want to make a difference, our careers are just as important to us as any of our other relationships. And unfortunately this doubling down on giving doesn't always allow us the space we need to know ourselves well enough to know when we should just stop doing that. And the only way that we can really know ourselves, not through the lens of what others are saying we are, but who we know we are, what I all the inner thrive guide that just has a really good sense of who we are and what we need, the only way to develop a good internal thrive guide sense is to do what I did yesterday and spend some time with ourselves. I recommend to all my clients a daily stillness practice first thing in the morning to just do a check- in on who am I, how am I doing, am I okay, what do I need. And when we do this repeatedly we start to see patterns. We start to see the people that are giving us life and those that are sucking our will to live. We start to see what behaviors in ourselves are starting to give us the life that feels good and those that are not. But we can't navigate through that whole idea of knowing ourselves without spending time with ourselves and quieting the noise around us to have a really honest but loving and kind conversation with ourselves. And the loving and kind piece is really the deal, right? So, you think about a friend that you have or a family member that is loving and kind, and they're loving and kind enough to give you the real story even when it's not comfortable or even when it's not what you want to hear. And yesterday the conversation that I had with myself wasn't really what I wanted to hear. It wasn't really what I wanted, but I knew it's what I needed. I needed to be honest with myself about some of the things I had said yes to and some of the things that I was doubling down trying to make work that just weren't supposed to be for me. They weren't supposed to work. And I could stop trying to force that piece of the puzzle, me, into a space that wasn't mine. So, I didn't distort those jaggedy ass edges that I've really grown to love and respect. So, it was time to say, " Okay, what are the boundaries? What's okay and what's not okay?" And even though some of the things I had to say to myself yesterday were hard, they were necessary. So, as you go into next week, ask yourself how often you're giving yourself time with yourself. And, yeah, yesterday I took a whole day. I was tired. It was a Sunday. But really we need this daily stillness practice every day for just a few minutes, 10, 20 minutes, so we can start to be more aware of our patterns and more aware of how we feel. More aware of what we want, what we need. And then expect to receive it. To ask for what we need. To be willing to open those clenched fists of control and see what comes in, but also to see what leaves. Because we can't hold it all, and sometimes some things need to leave. This is how we spend that time to know who we are. Know what our value and relevance is to our relationships, to our company, to our role. And if after spending some time with yourself asking yourself some of these really important questions, you start to realize that maybe you haven't asked for what you need. Start there. From colleagues, from your boss, from your relationships, your friends, your family, ask. And if you're still unable to receive what you need and to be respected for how valuable and relevant you are, then maybe it's time to let some things go. Maybe there are some projects that aren't supposed to be yours. Maybe there are some relationships that aren't supposed to be in your life. Maybe it's time to move on into a new role or a new company. But you won't know that, you won't be confident in that decision, until you've developed a really loving, kind relationship with yourself to have those tough conversations, to love yourself enough to tell yourself what you really need to hear. You deserve that. And if you need some help with it, that's what I do as a coach. And I'd love to help you explore who you are and for you to get more comfortable asking yourself, " Am I okay? What do I need?" All right. Let me know how it's going. Shoot me a message on LinkedIn or Instagram and just let me know how your daily stillness practice is going. What are you learning about yourself? And what else do you need, maybe from these podcast topics, to feel more supported in this act of knowing yourself? I would love to hear how it's going and I would love to continue to support you in this journey and this adventure. Okay, y'all, I hope you have an amazing week. More importantly I hope you do something this weekend that is life giving and restful or adventurous. Ask yourself, " What do I need this weekend?" And then do it. Do it without apology. Do it because you love yourself that damn much. Make it a great day. When I work with my clients I want them to discover their unique personal story so they can then stand tall in that story and live a life full of soul and emotions and their natural curiosity about their unique gifts, talents, and abilities so they can live a thriving life. Because our brains are hardwired for stories and our brain wants us to thrive. So, I hope my clients tap into that. And I also have a sponsor for this podcast called Storybook, which is a unique and innovative platform that helps you bring your company stories to life by tapping in to the emotional flow and the natural curiosity that we have about your products and services. So, check them out. You can go to my website, wethrive. live, click on the Stand Tall in Your Story link and see the kind of work they're doing for us or go to their site, cantaloupe. tv, and there's hundreds of stories there that they've created that you can experience. Check them out. We're so grateful to work with them and for them to sponsor the podcast. And please join the online community at badasswomenscouncil. community where we can continue the conversation and you can meet other bad- ass high achievers like you. Thanks so much. Make it a great day. If you like the music for the podcast go to iTunes, Spotify, wherever you listen to your music and look up Cameron Hession Clouds. You can download the full song there. He's got some other stuff out there as well. And y'all, he's my son. Be great if you'd go and download some of his stuff.